Question

Topic: Copywriting

This Doesnt Sound Right...or Does It?

Posted bynchazanon12/15/2008 at 11:38 AM ET 125 Points
Something about the end of this sentence doesn't sound right to me. Can anyone help me re-write it to sound good while still maintaining the point I'm trying to make? Thanks!

"Since our beginning as an office furniture manufacturer, DS&D has been commited to helping people work happier and perform better."

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RESPONSES

  • Posted byFrank Hurtteon12/15/2008 at 11:47 AM Accepted
    DS&D has been committed to helping people feel better and work more efficiently since its very first day in the office furniture business.
  • Posted bynchazanon12/15/2008 at 11:49 AM Author
    I like it - however, we are no longer JUST an office furniture company. We are a quote-on-quote "building interior" company, which means we do educational interiors, hospitals, AND corporate offices.
  • Posted byMikeeon12/15/2008 at 11:54 AM Accepted
    ... work happier while performing better.
    ... creating happy and productive work environments.
  • Posted bynchazanon12/15/2008 at 11:55 AM Author
    Mikee I like your first answer very much!
  • Posted bynchazanon12/15/2008 at 12:23 PM Author
    Steve, I am refering to our clients' "people". Their employees, students, patients.
  • Posted bynchazanon12/15/2008 at 1:31 PM Author
    Line in a brochure. An opening statement of a paragraph "about us", referring to our history.
  • Posted byPaul Kemperon12/15/2008 at 2:06 PM Member
    DS&D is commited to helping people work happier and perform better. We started as a furniture manufaturer. Now embrace the full building interior.

    Why I write it like this?
    1. It starts with the most important benefits;
    2. It then uses your roots as a proof point of your expertise;
    3. It then elaborates on the area of applicability.
    4. These are three short sentences.

    Turning 2 and 3 around is counterintuitive,. It might throw off the flow of the words. It is certainly against the preconceived logic the reader is normally using.
  • Posted byPaul Kemperon12/15/2008 at 2:08 PM Member
    Too late. One additoin or rehash:

    DS&D is commited to helping people work happier and perform better. We started as a furniture manufaturer. We now embrace the full building interior.

    或maybe even:

    DS&D is commited to helping you work happier and perform better. We started as a furniture manufaturer. But you can now work with us on your full building interior.
  • Posted byJay Hamilton-Rothon12/16/2008 at 8:14 AM Member
    Over the years, DS&D has learned that our office furniture not only helps your employees' perform better, but also creates a happier work environment for them.
  • Posted bykevin.shoesmithon12/16/2008 at 9:13 AM Accepted
    这是一个稍微different take to consider:

    A healthier, more productive work environment for you. That's been our commitment (or goal) since we began as a furniture manufacturer.
  • Posted bymatthewmnexon12/16/2008 at 7:43 PM Accepted
    I love your line :))

    The language is a little off beat :) But that gives it a certain charm and catchyness.

    Don't forget that the idea of any line like this is to make it stick in the mind of the reader. The fact that it has a little quirckyness and imperfection makes it feel really connected to real people and somehow honest.

    Sometimes it is really better to be not too sophisticated.

    Here is my simple take on it. I would keep it exactly as is except just drop the second qualification and make the statement very simple and straight forward.

    "Since our beginning as an office furniture manufacturer, DS&D has been committed to helping people work happier."

    (And correct the spelling of committed :) )

    Then you could follow up with your copy:

    "To find our how you can work happier today, call 555 5555 or visit our showroom @"etc. etc.

    Good luck,

    Matthew
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